TO LUCK AND ALL ITS WONDER

I woke up in a better mood today- yesterday was a bit of a mess. Sleep has a great way of muting emotional turmoil. What I really want to tell you about though is the sequence of events that enlightened me. As my friend and I were walking to Tim Horton's, I found a twenty-dollar bill. Crazy, right? I have never really found money before- especially nothing close to twenty dollars. 

Today, I'm luckier than a four leaf clover. 

I felt great. So we get to Timmie's and I order. The cashier gave me the water bottle I ordered, and while I was waiting for the rest of my order, she gave me another water bottle. Two for one- I'm on a roll. Excited, I roll up my hot chocolate's rim right away. I won a donut. So at this point, I'm pretty much on top of the world. My friend and I go to class. blaBioblaevolutionbla. When I got up at the end of the lecture, I accidentally dropped one of the water bottles. Since the auditorium is on an incline, it rolled away immediately. I figured it was fair since I wasn't really supposed to have that water bottle anyway. I decided I'd look around for it once. After all, I'm made of luck. After just a few seconds, I find it caught between two chairs. I bent down to pick it up and when I got up I saw a hat abandoned on one of the chairs. Ordinarily, I assume hats are infested with lice and I ignore them. This one, though, was an exact replica of a hat I was devastated to lose a couple of a months ago. So there you go- that's my day. 

The funny thing is that I always imagined good things happening to people who sent out good thoughts. Lately, that was definitely not me. My mind has been a pretty somber place. So maybe instead, the universe wanted to tell me what I really needed to know when I needed to know it the most: I'm going to be just fine.

We all get a little SAD sometimes

So, I'm convinced I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I don't want to turn every little thing into a disorder- because I really am against that- but every winter I go through these fits of depression and my mood skyrockets by April. Winter brings sadness to my core. The days are shorter, it's cold as fcuk and my winter wardrobe sucks. I mean, it's not even that I hate winter. I'm aware that snow adds a little magic to every scene, that snow angels and snow fights keep people forever young and that Christmas is the greatest thing since french fries. 

Hats, scarves and mittens are pretty bad ass too.

So it's all fun and dandy in December. Snow is not only exciting, but it's a necessity. But then it drags on....
We're in March and I'm still freezing my butt off. Roar. Canadian winters take a lot out of you.

So don't panic, party people. I'm okay. I get sad and I get lonely (*note that I'm hours away from my friends and family and comfort zone) but don't we all?
I'm just trying to figure out my life here. 

Can ya blame me? 

LONELY IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING TO BE

I can’t remember the last time I walked somewhere at a human pace. I realized that today walking to a lecture. I got caught behind a few people and I couldn’t believe how unbelievably slow they were all walking. As a feeling of pure annoyance was growing inside me, I looked down at their feet and noticed that their strides were reasonable. My feet used to make those strides. Back in Toronto, I walked with friends and laughed and just enjoyed being me.

How do all these first years already have so many friends and a real life here? What’s wrong with everyone? They’re living in a new city with new friends and a completely new life! Do they not realize that they just made a huge transition?! Do they not realize how quickly we’re all growing old? Everyone around me seems so well adjusted to their universities.

Then I guess the better question is what’s wrong with me?

It's ironic that a crowd depicts my feelings of loneliness so well.

I FEEL LOST INSIDE MYSELF

I feel lost inside myself. I don’t even know what’s going on in my own head. I’m just kind of all over the place. For once, I feel incapable of explaining how I feel. The best I can do is tell you that I feel lost inside myself. Ahhhhh. I feel lonely here sometimes. I walk to and fro class by myself, sit quietly in lectures and go fetch a meal in my own company. I used to picture myself being fiercely independent. And I still do think that self is inside me somewhere but I can’t find her. I do like my own time and do most things by myself but that’s not what I mean by independence. I mean I'm not independent because I want someone to hug my soul. Maybe that sounds borderline pathetic, but that's what I want. My friends and (long distance -_-) boyfriend and family just aren't enough for me right now. I want to be apart of something bigger than myself. I need to find a job or volunteer somewhere or something. I need to belong to a community.