THE BIG, COMFY BED

Big comfy beds are dangerous.

Think of a relationship as a big, comfy bed you could figuratively crawl into. You felt safe in the comforts of your security blanket and warm when you rested your head on your pillow. It all felt so right for so long. So what if the blanket begins to strangle you and the pillow begins to feel suffocating? And you wonder when did this bed morph into shackles? 

And what if nothing has actually happened to make you feel that way? The bed is as comfy and loving as it always has been. What if you just want to get out of bed because seeing the world from the comforts of your bed isn't enough anymore? What if you're just not as happy as you should be?

THE "WALK AWAY"

I love that movie where that guy has an epiphany and chases his "ex-girlfriend" as she's on her way to the airport. Oh wait, that's every  generic romantic comedy ever ♥. I just wonder if all these girls really were ready to move on or if they would have come crawling back to the man of their dreams, had he never showed up. 

Should we be walking away in the first place if we expect to be followed?
.

It seems that every love story worth being told has a "walk away" scene. A moment where someone decides to move on, only to be held back at the very last second by the person they didn't know they couldn't live without. It's all very romantic and all but I just want to know if there's any truth to that. 

Are we separated by our own stubbornness?

Is it realistic to expect the person you're walking away from to come after you? In a loving and committed relationship, do we have the right to walk away from our significant other? If they upset us or did us wrong, we should stand up to them and talk about it like adults, right? And if we do walk away, they should let us keep walking because it isn't their responsibility to go fetch us. If we want to make the relationship work, we should never give up on it.

Should we be walking away in the first place if we expect to be followed? 

Or is the right to exercise the "walk away" a given? Should every secure relationship have an I Will Walk After You warranty? In a moment of anger and disappointment, we should be able to walk away from our significant other and expect them to come after us, right? I mean, considering they messed up and this is a rare occurrence, of course. It's not that we expect to be followed at the time we decide to move on. It's only when there are no footsteps behind us that the pain of walking this lonely road sets in.

So in asking you, I think I've answered this question for myself. Every girl deserves a Hollywood-like romance. In the little arguments that keep couples challenging each other, we should stay where we are. We should make our arguments, make mistakes, and apologize. We should laugh, and hug, and let the happiness in the relationship fall back into place as if nothing had happened at all. If we get hurt though, and I mean really unforgivably hurt, we walk away. And only if he comes chasing after us, with some ridiculous display of love, do we stop. Otherwise, we keep walking, keeping in mind that there are people out there waiting for you to become apart of their Hollywood love story. And we don't need them either.

A BLOGGER'S POV

Anyone remember Jenna from the Bachelor (Ben's season)? She was absolutely crazy and completely over dramatic. Well, she was a blogger. And I'm beginning to realize that we may all be slightly crazy.

Slightly crazed eye staring at a world full of discovery.

The world through a blogger's eyes is probably analyzed more than it should be. To write or think about the world the way we do, we must over think everything and anything. It's all looked at twice, thrice, then eighty thousand more times. 

And it's not just bloggers. It's all of us who choose to spend a lonely night with our thoughts. It's the thinkers, the writers, the artists. With eyes searching for discovery and minds searching for the truth, we sometimes (but hardly!) beat a dead horse. 

I'll be the first to admit it. Though it's kind of artistic and fun to examine all that I can, I may have read too much into a few things. I guess learning when to laugh something off and when to ponder over it is its own art.

THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS

Take me there.

Don't you sometimes wish that there existed such a thing? If someone offered me any vacation in the world right now I'd choose the Island of Misfit Toys. I'd say I qualify. I don't quite fit in anywhere and I'm more emotionally damaged than any romantic comedy character could ever be. And believe me, it's not quite as cute in real life. 

I think I'm broken. People keep accusing me of pushing people away, but I could have sworn I got angry because they had already gone. Thinking about it now, they must have still been within arm's reach if I was able to push them further. I guess when someone takes a step away from you, you could hug them and bring them closer, instead of pushing them away. I'd just like to know where the hell they're going in the first place.

But forget all that.

I want to hang out with a red-nosed reindeer, an elf with bigger dreams than making toys, and a lion that can fly. I want to go somewhere where the only way I can fit in is by being so me that I'm somebody else. I want to learn everything about the world, and make stupid jokes, and twirl until my legs can't hold me up.
And the best part of it all is that this island is free of condescending eyes, judgmental whispers and the conforming. 

TIK TIK TIK

time

  [tahym] noun, adjective, verb,timed, tim·ing.

noun Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur from the past through the present to the future

I'm done my first year of university, I guess. I packed up all my stuff from my lifeless residence room and it looks like it did when I first moved in 8 months ago. So much has happened this year yet nothing at all. Looking back on my life, I just want to know where the F**K the time went. 

"Time does not change us. It just unfolds us."

Time enthralls me. It's is the one thing that will always be out of our hands. It's our best friend and our worst enemy. Time heals all wounds. It's wiped away my tears, comforted my soul and helped me put together the fragments of my heart. Time tells all. It puts pieces of a puzzle together and uncovers the truth. Time unfolds us. It's helped me discover who I am and who I will become. Yet time will eventually take my friends and family away from me. Time will blur all my memories and casually erase my life. And perhaps worst of all, time has caused my old friends to become strangers.

Sometimes I just want to grab time by its figurative shoulders and SCREAM. Can I hold his hand without you mockingly ticking away? Can't you just freeze for a second and let me linger beside my friends? Can't I spend time with my family without your inevitable noose? But, of course, the answer is no. And if it was yes these memories wouldn't be the fleeting moments I treasure late at night, right before I'm washed away by sleep.

FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS

I know I haven't written in a while but it's been intentional. I have exams and in an attempt to stay focused, I refrained from blogging. I'm going to make a quick exception for one of my favourite things in the world- weddings. 

I'd get married for you.

I love everything about weddings. I love the heartwarming proposals, the extravagant rings, and the jaw-dropping dresses. I even love all the cheesy slideshows of the bride and the groom. The amazing thing about a wedding is that there's so much to celebrate. You're celebrating a love that will last forever, a new chapter in the couple's life and the closest thing this Earth has to magic.Weddings somehow manage to get the uncoordinated to dance, the unwilling to love and the stoic to feel. Though I could easily wait another dozen years to be married, I dream about my wedding day often. Original, I know. 

And for just one day, we all get our very own Cinderella story.

So the reason I bring it up is because my boyfriend is in British Columbia right now for his cousin's wedding. It's the first wedding he's ever been to, and judging from his phone call, it sounds like he's having a really great time (he's clearly had a little too much to drink). I've mentioned this before but I consider my guy to be void of emotions. Not in the sense that he's emotionless- more so because he isn't ordinarily moved by anything.

Today though he felt something. He told me that he almost cried during his cousin's speech. Though he didn't actually shed any tears, he felt something real today and that, to me, was unbelievable. He hasn't shed a tear in so long that I thought his tear ducts may have deteriorated during puberty. But today he was close! And on top of that madness, when he was saying goodbye he kept repeating how he loves me so much and wants the best for me and then - get this- he says: "I hope our wedding turns out like this". My reaction: paralysis*. 

So today my stoic boyfriend let himself feel. He felt a moment of sadness and all kinds of joy. He danced, and he laughed and he had fun. For a fleeting second, he even felt unbounded love. And I am so proud of him.

Maybe it was having all of his family in one place, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, or maybe he's just drunk, but something about that wedding stirred up something significant in him. 

ah, weddings....

*Refer to the post "I WONDER IF MY BOYFRIEND LIKES ME" to understand my reaction (although it's probably self-explanatory).

DRAGGING HER FEET

Moments like this keep us holding on to the ghost of our relationship

Relationships tend to be over before they actually end. I've seen it happy over and over again this year. All these couples dragging out their relationship past their expiration date, even though they lost their happiness a long time ago. I've just been trying to figure out why. I have a friend here who broke up with her boyfriend of three years in September. Not because she wanted to be single for university, but because it took her own space for her to realize that the relationship she was happy in had ended a year ago. Of course there were good times but when she talks about him now it's with an exhausted tone of voice and sad eyes. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of tears and a lot of heartbreak. 

And just last night, my best friend from home calls me and tells me that her boyfriend told her he's not sure whether their relationship is worth it or not. They have spent the last year fighting over really meaningless things, and he just doesn't see the point anymore. Though he was trying to give up, she told him they could work through it. 

I recommend a daily dose of sex and the city for the broken-hearted girl.

So why do people do this to themselves? This is the best I came up with:

There are so many great memories in the beginning of a relationship. The butterflies when you see each other, all the firsts, and falling in love. And by the time the initial magic fades, you have something just as great: you're comfortable, you're in love and you're best friends. You may find that you've almost morphed into one person. And as you grow and change, your relationship will too. 

But sometimes couples grow apart. And distant memories of the people you once were will keep you together. And though the world beyond the comforts of your relationship is a crazy and scary place, it's yours to discover. Though it's going to hurt more than anything ever has, and though there's nothing doctors can do about a broken heart, time will pass, the heart will heal and one day your smile will be real. So if your relationship can be salvaged, by all means pour your heart into it and save it. No regrets. If not, there's something extremely reassuring about being who you want to be, and doing whatever you want to do. Go out with friends, take up a hobby or dye your hair. Whatever you do, find the version of yourself that you lost or gave up on.

A VIRUS ON OUR PLANET

"[A relevation] came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease; a cancer of this planet."


The Matrix is one of my all-time favourite movies. I watched it for the first time almost a year ago and it consumed me for about a week. I know I'm always late with the trends but I thought it was hauntingly beautiful, extremely creative and a complete mind-blower. Though I could go on and on, this post isn't about The Matrix -it's about the animals we're supposed to share this plant with. 

I want to hug you.

It wasn't until I started studying conservation Biology that I understood the real impact of our ecological footprints: most species you can think of off the top of your head are either endangered or extinct. Especially mammals. And if they aren't, in a human-dominant world, they will be soon. 

I'm sorry.

So why do I say mammals are destined for extinction? Well, here are the biggest reasons I can think of:
1) These mammals tend to be larger and therefore need larger habitats. The same habitats humans are destroying.
2) These mammals take longer to recover from human activity (i.e. overhunting). With low birth-rates and relatively few offspring (compared to insects or fish, for example), they aren't suited to recover from disturbances quickly.
3) We're changing their world faster than they can adapt to it. Whether global warming was going to occur or not, we're speeding that process up, and species are not going to evolve quickly enough to keep up.

Whatever you decide to do about this problem- whether it's turning the lights off when you leave the room or helping a conservation program abroad or doing absolutely nothing- I'll tell you this:

Our grandchildren will never forgive us for stripping their Earth of its resources, diversity and magic. 

DARE TO DREAM

I remember a time when the moral of every movie I watched was that you can be anyone you want to be and do anything you want to do. The world is your canvas so go paint, kind of thing. As a kid, I was told to follow my dreams, wherever they lead me. I was told that there were endless possibilities all with my name on them. I was told to reach for the stars and land on the moon. Naturally, I assumed I was going to cure cancer, become president and star in my own movie.

A shitty thing happens as we grow old though. People stop telling us to believe. Realists, especially. They tell us we're not good enough. And we actually believe them. It was in grade 11, I think- my first time hearing that I wasn't good enough. My calculus teacher told my class something about there being a lot of competition out there and that those competitors are better than us. He wanted to be a professor at a university but he "wasn't smart enough". I forgave him for his cynicism, and assumed he was talking to the rest of the class. 

Today, I went to an information session on what being a Life Sciences major entails (it's the major associated with going to Medical school). The dean of Life Sci starts off the presentation saying that we probably all want to get into medical school at this point (he's right) but that we'll change our mind in a few years. And if we don't, we should.

If being a kid means believing in believing, I never want to grow up.

He said something about 100 students getting into our university's medical school out of the 35000 students that applied. Then he emphasized that we should have a back up plan. "You can have a very nice life as a teacher or in industry".

Well dean, I'm sure I would- thanks. I would also have a very nice life as a physician, if I choose to pursue that career. Those 'competitors' you speak of, well they'll be my coworkers and we'll go to dinner at a little cafe on Friday evenings. And you know what else? I don't have a back-up plan and I refuse to ever have one. You may think that's close-minded but it's not. I'm not closing myself off to other careers; I may very well change my mind at any time. I'm closing myself off to a back-up career. I am good enough. And you know the high school teacher I was talking about? He would have made a great professor: he is smart enough and he's an amazing teacher. He isn't back at that high school this year. He's busy pursuing dreams he left behind because society told him to- he's getting his PHD in mathematics.

There's a SPRING in my step

I'm genuinely happy and I don't intend on going back to that dark place anytime soon. My mood has been steadily picking up for the last week and I'm officially elated. And why shouldn't I be? Tonight at about 1 am is the Spring Equinox! 

Oh, how I've missed you.

Some people may feel indifferent, but to me, the Spring Equinox is a celebration. Spring means new life and new hope. It means days that go on forever, weather that warms hearts and spirits that are finally free. And it all starts today! 

Today, for the first time in a very long time, my little university city seems alive. The weather is beautiful, the sun is out and, all around me, life is reborn.

So all that's great, but my absolute favourite part is ditching my jacket and taking out my summer shorts! Wearing them right now and yep, rocking them. All those winter layers make me feel like I'm cemented into the ground. Spring has this great way of keeping my steps light and my spirits soaring. 


Cheers!

MY HUMBLE EXISTENCE

There are a few moments where my existence feels so modest that it almost never happened. For me, these moments seem to be related to nature. Whenever I see a glimpse of the infinite strength of nature, I feel small. Whether it's a scenic landscape, a powerful tornado or the product of millions of years of evolution, Earth has a way of continuously reminding me how humble my existence really is. Humility is important. It keeps us grounded, it keeps us happy and it keeps us grateful. 

Hello, gorgeous.

It's so strange to me how quickly some people forget their place in this world. Not me. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. The more I travel, the more I realize how little I've seen. There are so many reasons to be humble yet humility is endangered.
So let's get humble.

And now you're feeling mildly insignificant.

I can't explain why this is humbling but it is. Some people will get it and some won't.

When someone sits down as soon as I get up, it feels like I was never really there.

I want to end off by sharing this short video. One, because it's absolutely hilarious and two, because he really is onto something.

Cheers

SEIZE THE MOMENT

Quotes have this great way of enlightening my heart, motivating my mind and touching my soul. There`s nothing like finding a really inspiring phrase or relatable lyrics. For whatever reason though, the phrase Carpe Diem always made me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I have to drop all my textbooks and run away to Taiwan or something. I guess it makes me feel guilty for having a daily routine. Today, for example, I woke up, went to class and I intend on studying until 8pm where I can watch the Bachelor season finale. And I'm really excited about it. Is that seizing the day? Can't I just watch some TV with my friends? 

Can`t a girl just hang out?

So for all those feelings and more I'm going to choose to auto-correct that phrase when I hear it to: Seize the moment. That's an expression I can work with. I can go about my day- whether I'm on vacation, at school or out with my friends- and make the most of moments. 


I think my weekend was a really great example of this. My friends and I went to Montreal for Saturday night. We did all the generic sightseeing during the day and then we went to dinner at this yummy Greek place. At night, we got dressed, went to a club to dance and then we went to a strip club. The whole night was absolutely ridiculous and so much fun, but I'll just fetch one example of seizing the moment.

The example: At the strip club, this 28 year old guy sits down with us. We've been talking to strangers all night so it was just apart of the fun. Now here's the moment: he offered to get me a lap dance. I figured, why not? 

So, whenever you have a chance to get out of your comfort zone, go for it. Give the cute boy you met at the library your phone number, dance on stage at the club, and accept lap dances when offered :). 

I WONDER IF MY BOYFRIEND LIKES ME

True.

My boyfriend's the kind of carefree guy that does a really great job of doing his own thing. Before I go any further, I should probably mention I'm hopelessly in love with him. Is it pathetic to say I miss him as soon as he leaves the room? He makes everything in this crazy world okay. Three years later and I'd still pick cuddling over going on a real date. We spend every single day with each other (when we're in the same city)*. He always tells me he could spend all day everyday with me and still it wouldn't be enough. 
Sounds great, right?


Well... there's one thing I'm skipping over... Unless he's holding my hand through it, our relationship tears me apart. I'm really confident with who I am but I get pretty insecure about where we stand sometimes. He's just so damn aloof. He doesn't text very much, goes days without calling and has to be reminded to be affectionate. It's not much of a problem when I'm at home because we see each other so often, but now that we're a long distance couple, it can get pretty messy.

I know it's just not in him to be very emotional though. To give you an idea of the stone that pumps blood to his body: I've been with him long enough to see the unfortunate death of a loved one, yet he hasn't shed a tear since middle school. I know he does love me and he does do really crazy and creative things for me occasionally, but he's not the kind of guy that texts just to say he's been thinking about you, if you know what I mean. And it kind of drives me crazy.

This guy's got it right.

Our greatest weakness as a couple would definitely be that I can't always handle how independent he is. Normal people need to feel loved and cared for and needed! We can't live without it- the same way we can't live without food, sleep or even water. This guy though could go his whole life without the love or approval of anyone. He just doesn't care! I'm almost convinced he's some crazy hybrid from the future. I'm not sure why they sent him here yet but I'm working on it. My friends always tell me that, somehow, I got the boy who never cared about anything to finally care about something: me.
The only problem: I still question how much?


* We have the same group of friends so we're not one of those weird, isolated couples. 

LEST WE REMEMBER

A couple of weeks ago I was haunted by a distant memory. It came out of no where and it wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't sleep thinking about it. Lucky for me -_-, I had a journal at the time and I had written it down the day after it happened. I got out of bed to read it. The very first sentence of that journal entry: "Woah, I completely forgot about this until I was forced to remember to write it down." So I had forgotten about it! 

All at once, all these awful feelings started coming back. I laid on my bed for a while and let an epiphany take me over. My whole life I have been a strong believer of remembering every possible detail. I have gone out of my way- for as long as I can remember- to keep track of all my memories before they slip away. I figured if I didn't write it down, I would forget, and therefore it never really happened. 

Suddenly I realized: We forget because we have to. If it was beneficial to remember every little detail, then our memory would be a hell of a lot better than it is now. I mean, one of my closest friends can't even remember what she had for lunch. We forget things. And sometimes forgetting is just as important as remembering. 

This was just a thought though. And it went against my life's goal (to remember my life down to every last detail) so I went over it with one of my best friends here. She could see where I was going with it but she wasn't convinced. The very next day, she accidentally stumbled upon a police statement she had written months ago. All these vivid details of an experience she had accepted and moved on from came flooding back. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty.

It's okay to forget the details.

So to the random that visited this blog by accident,

Let time soften the hurt of the past. 
Let the details of that really awful experience become hazy. It's the only way we can truly move on and let these experiences make us stronger- without feelings of anger and regret.