A VIRUS ON OUR PLANET

"[A relevation] came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease; a cancer of this planet."


The Matrix is one of my all-time favourite movies. I watched it for the first time almost a year ago and it consumed me for about a week. I know I'm always late with the trends but I thought it was hauntingly beautiful, extremely creative and a complete mind-blower. Though I could go on and on, this post isn't about The Matrix -it's about the animals we're supposed to share this plant with. 

I want to hug you.

It wasn't until I started studying conservation Biology that I understood the real impact of our ecological footprints: most species you can think of off the top of your head are either endangered or extinct. Especially mammals. And if they aren't, in a human-dominant world, they will be soon. 

I'm sorry.

So why do I say mammals are destined for extinction? Well, here are the biggest reasons I can think of:
1) These mammals tend to be larger and therefore need larger habitats. The same habitats humans are destroying.
2) These mammals take longer to recover from human activity (i.e. overhunting). With low birth-rates and relatively few offspring (compared to insects or fish, for example), they aren't suited to recover from disturbances quickly.
3) We're changing their world faster than they can adapt to it. Whether global warming was going to occur or not, we're speeding that process up, and species are not going to evolve quickly enough to keep up.

Whatever you decide to do about this problem- whether it's turning the lights off when you leave the room or helping a conservation program abroad or doing absolutely nothing- I'll tell you this:

Our grandchildren will never forgive us for stripping their Earth of its resources, diversity and magic. 

DARE TO DREAM

I remember a time when the moral of every movie I watched was that you can be anyone you want to be and do anything you want to do. The world is your canvas so go paint, kind of thing. As a kid, I was told to follow my dreams, wherever they lead me. I was told that there were endless possibilities all with my name on them. I was told to reach for the stars and land on the moon. Naturally, I assumed I was going to cure cancer, become president and star in my own movie.

A shitty thing happens as we grow old though. People stop telling us to believe. Realists, especially. They tell us we're not good enough. And we actually believe them. It was in grade 11, I think- my first time hearing that I wasn't good enough. My calculus teacher told my class something about there being a lot of competition out there and that those competitors are better than us. He wanted to be a professor at a university but he "wasn't smart enough". I forgave him for his cynicism, and assumed he was talking to the rest of the class. 

Today, I went to an information session on what being a Life Sciences major entails (it's the major associated with going to Medical school). The dean of Life Sci starts off the presentation saying that we probably all want to get into medical school at this point (he's right) but that we'll change our mind in a few years. And if we don't, we should.

If being a kid means believing in believing, I never want to grow up.

He said something about 100 students getting into our university's medical school out of the 35000 students that applied. Then he emphasized that we should have a back up plan. "You can have a very nice life as a teacher or in industry".

Well dean, I'm sure I would- thanks. I would also have a very nice life as a physician, if I choose to pursue that career. Those 'competitors' you speak of, well they'll be my coworkers and we'll go to dinner at a little cafe on Friday evenings. And you know what else? I don't have a back-up plan and I refuse to ever have one. You may think that's close-minded but it's not. I'm not closing myself off to other careers; I may very well change my mind at any time. I'm closing myself off to a back-up career. I am good enough. And you know the high school teacher I was talking about? He would have made a great professor: he is smart enough and he's an amazing teacher. He isn't back at that high school this year. He's busy pursuing dreams he left behind because society told him to- he's getting his PHD in mathematics.

There's a SPRING in my step

I'm genuinely happy and I don't intend on going back to that dark place anytime soon. My mood has been steadily picking up for the last week and I'm officially elated. And why shouldn't I be? Tonight at about 1 am is the Spring Equinox! 

Oh, how I've missed you.

Some people may feel indifferent, but to me, the Spring Equinox is a celebration. Spring means new life and new hope. It means days that go on forever, weather that warms hearts and spirits that are finally free. And it all starts today! 

Today, for the first time in a very long time, my little university city seems alive. The weather is beautiful, the sun is out and, all around me, life is reborn.

So all that's great, but my absolute favourite part is ditching my jacket and taking out my summer shorts! Wearing them right now and yep, rocking them. All those winter layers make me feel like I'm cemented into the ground. Spring has this great way of keeping my steps light and my spirits soaring. 


Cheers!

MY HUMBLE EXISTENCE

There are a few moments where my existence feels so modest that it almost never happened. For me, these moments seem to be related to nature. Whenever I see a glimpse of the infinite strength of nature, I feel small. Whether it's a scenic landscape, a powerful tornado or the product of millions of years of evolution, Earth has a way of continuously reminding me how humble my existence really is. Humility is important. It keeps us grounded, it keeps us happy and it keeps us grateful. 

Hello, gorgeous.

It's so strange to me how quickly some people forget their place in this world. Not me. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. The more I travel, the more I realize how little I've seen. There are so many reasons to be humble yet humility is endangered.
So let's get humble.

And now you're feeling mildly insignificant.

I can't explain why this is humbling but it is. Some people will get it and some won't.

When someone sits down as soon as I get up, it feels like I was never really there.

I want to end off by sharing this short video. One, because it's absolutely hilarious and two, because he really is onto something.

Cheers

SEIZE THE MOMENT

Quotes have this great way of enlightening my heart, motivating my mind and touching my soul. There`s nothing like finding a really inspiring phrase or relatable lyrics. For whatever reason though, the phrase Carpe Diem always made me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I have to drop all my textbooks and run away to Taiwan or something. I guess it makes me feel guilty for having a daily routine. Today, for example, I woke up, went to class and I intend on studying until 8pm where I can watch the Bachelor season finale. And I'm really excited about it. Is that seizing the day? Can't I just watch some TV with my friends? 

Can`t a girl just hang out?

So for all those feelings and more I'm going to choose to auto-correct that phrase when I hear it to: Seize the moment. That's an expression I can work with. I can go about my day- whether I'm on vacation, at school or out with my friends- and make the most of moments. 


I think my weekend was a really great example of this. My friends and I went to Montreal for Saturday night. We did all the generic sightseeing during the day and then we went to dinner at this yummy Greek place. At night, we got dressed, went to a club to dance and then we went to a strip club. The whole night was absolutely ridiculous and so much fun, but I'll just fetch one example of seizing the moment.

The example: At the strip club, this 28 year old guy sits down with us. We've been talking to strangers all night so it was just apart of the fun. Now here's the moment: he offered to get me a lap dance. I figured, why not? 

So, whenever you have a chance to get out of your comfort zone, go for it. Give the cute boy you met at the library your phone number, dance on stage at the club, and accept lap dances when offered :). 

I WONDER IF MY BOYFRIEND LIKES ME

True.

My boyfriend's the kind of carefree guy that does a really great job of doing his own thing. Before I go any further, I should probably mention I'm hopelessly in love with him. Is it pathetic to say I miss him as soon as he leaves the room? He makes everything in this crazy world okay. Three years later and I'd still pick cuddling over going on a real date. We spend every single day with each other (when we're in the same city)*. He always tells me he could spend all day everyday with me and still it wouldn't be enough. 
Sounds great, right?


Well... there's one thing I'm skipping over... Unless he's holding my hand through it, our relationship tears me apart. I'm really confident with who I am but I get pretty insecure about where we stand sometimes. He's just so damn aloof. He doesn't text very much, goes days without calling and has to be reminded to be affectionate. It's not much of a problem when I'm at home because we see each other so often, but now that we're a long distance couple, it can get pretty messy.

I know it's just not in him to be very emotional though. To give you an idea of the stone that pumps blood to his body: I've been with him long enough to see the unfortunate death of a loved one, yet he hasn't shed a tear since middle school. I know he does love me and he does do really crazy and creative things for me occasionally, but he's not the kind of guy that texts just to say he's been thinking about you, if you know what I mean. And it kind of drives me crazy.

This guy's got it right.

Our greatest weakness as a couple would definitely be that I can't always handle how independent he is. Normal people need to feel loved and cared for and needed! We can't live without it- the same way we can't live without food, sleep or even water. This guy though could go his whole life without the love or approval of anyone. He just doesn't care! I'm almost convinced he's some crazy hybrid from the future. I'm not sure why they sent him here yet but I'm working on it. My friends always tell me that, somehow, I got the boy who never cared about anything to finally care about something: me.
The only problem: I still question how much?


* We have the same group of friends so we're not one of those weird, isolated couples. 

LEST WE REMEMBER

A couple of weeks ago I was haunted by a distant memory. It came out of no where and it wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't sleep thinking about it. Lucky for me -_-, I had a journal at the time and I had written it down the day after it happened. I got out of bed to read it. The very first sentence of that journal entry: "Woah, I completely forgot about this until I was forced to remember to write it down." So I had forgotten about it! 

All at once, all these awful feelings started coming back. I laid on my bed for a while and let an epiphany take me over. My whole life I have been a strong believer of remembering every possible detail. I have gone out of my way- for as long as I can remember- to keep track of all my memories before they slip away. I figured if I didn't write it down, I would forget, and therefore it never really happened. 

Suddenly I realized: We forget because we have to. If it was beneficial to remember every little detail, then our memory would be a hell of a lot better than it is now. I mean, one of my closest friends can't even remember what she had for lunch. We forget things. And sometimes forgetting is just as important as remembering. 

This was just a thought though. And it went against my life's goal (to remember my life down to every last detail) so I went over it with one of my best friends here. She could see where I was going with it but she wasn't convinced. The very next day, she accidentally stumbled upon a police statement she had written months ago. All these vivid details of an experience she had accepted and moved on from came flooding back. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty.

It's okay to forget the details.

So to the random that visited this blog by accident,

Let time soften the hurt of the past. 
Let the details of that really awful experience become hazy. It's the only way we can truly move on and let these experiences make us stronger- without feelings of anger and regret. 

TO LUCK AND ALL ITS WONDER

I woke up in a better mood today- yesterday was a bit of a mess. Sleep has a great way of muting emotional turmoil. What I really want to tell you about though is the sequence of events that enlightened me. As my friend and I were walking to Tim Horton's, I found a twenty-dollar bill. Crazy, right? I have never really found money before- especially nothing close to twenty dollars. 

Today, I'm luckier than a four leaf clover. 

I felt great. So we get to Timmie's and I order. The cashier gave me the water bottle I ordered, and while I was waiting for the rest of my order, she gave me another water bottle. Two for one- I'm on a roll. Excited, I roll up my hot chocolate's rim right away. I won a donut. So at this point, I'm pretty much on top of the world. My friend and I go to class. blaBioblaevolutionbla. When I got up at the end of the lecture, I accidentally dropped one of the water bottles. Since the auditorium is on an incline, it rolled away immediately. I figured it was fair since I wasn't really supposed to have that water bottle anyway. I decided I'd look around for it once. After all, I'm made of luck. After just a few seconds, I find it caught between two chairs. I bent down to pick it up and when I got up I saw a hat abandoned on one of the chairs. Ordinarily, I assume hats are infested with lice and I ignore them. This one, though, was an exact replica of a hat I was devastated to lose a couple of a months ago. So there you go- that's my day. 

The funny thing is that I always imagined good things happening to people who sent out good thoughts. Lately, that was definitely not me. My mind has been a pretty somber place. So maybe instead, the universe wanted to tell me what I really needed to know when I needed to know it the most: I'm going to be just fine.

We all get a little SAD sometimes

So, I'm convinced I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I don't want to turn every little thing into a disorder- because I really am against that- but every winter I go through these fits of depression and my mood skyrockets by April. Winter brings sadness to my core. The days are shorter, it's cold as fcuk and my winter wardrobe sucks. I mean, it's not even that I hate winter. I'm aware that snow adds a little magic to every scene, that snow angels and snow fights keep people forever young and that Christmas is the greatest thing since french fries. 

Hats, scarves and mittens are pretty bad ass too.

So it's all fun and dandy in December. Snow is not only exciting, but it's a necessity. But then it drags on....
We're in March and I'm still freezing my butt off. Roar. Canadian winters take a lot out of you.

So don't panic, party people. I'm okay. I get sad and I get lonely (*note that I'm hours away from my friends and family and comfort zone) but don't we all?
I'm just trying to figure out my life here. 

Can ya blame me? 

LONELY IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING TO BE

I can’t remember the last time I walked somewhere at a human pace. I realized that today walking to a lecture. I got caught behind a few people and I couldn’t believe how unbelievably slow they were all walking. As a feeling of pure annoyance was growing inside me, I looked down at their feet and noticed that their strides were reasonable. My feet used to make those strides. Back in Toronto, I walked with friends and laughed and just enjoyed being me.

How do all these first years already have so many friends and a real life here? What’s wrong with everyone? They’re living in a new city with new friends and a completely new life! Do they not realize that they just made a huge transition?! Do they not realize how quickly we’re all growing old? Everyone around me seems so well adjusted to their universities.

Then I guess the better question is what’s wrong with me?

It's ironic that a crowd depicts my feelings of loneliness so well.

I FEEL LOST INSIDE MYSELF

I feel lost inside myself. I don’t even know what’s going on in my own head. I’m just kind of all over the place. For once, I feel incapable of explaining how I feel. The best I can do is tell you that I feel lost inside myself. Ahhhhh. I feel lonely here sometimes. I walk to and fro class by myself, sit quietly in lectures and go fetch a meal in my own company. I used to picture myself being fiercely independent. And I still do think that self is inside me somewhere but I can’t find her. I do like my own time and do most things by myself but that’s not what I mean by independence. I mean I'm not independent because I want someone to hug my soul. Maybe that sounds borderline pathetic, but that's what I want. My friends and (long distance -_-) boyfriend and family just aren't enough for me right now. I want to be apart of something bigger than myself. I need to find a job or volunteer somewhere or something. I need to belong to a community.