TIK TIK TIK

time

  [tahym] noun, adjective, verb,timed, tim·ing.

noun Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur from the past through the present to the future

I'm done my first year of university, I guess. I packed up all my stuff from my lifeless residence room and it looks like it did when I first moved in 8 months ago. So much has happened this year yet nothing at all. Looking back on my life, I just want to know where the F**K the time went. 

"Time does not change us. It just unfolds us."

Time enthralls me. It's is the one thing that will always be out of our hands. It's our best friend and our worst enemy. Time heals all wounds. It's wiped away my tears, comforted my soul and helped me put together the fragments of my heart. Time tells all. It puts pieces of a puzzle together and uncovers the truth. Time unfolds us. It's helped me discover who I am and who I will become. Yet time will eventually take my friends and family away from me. Time will blur all my memories and casually erase my life. And perhaps worst of all, time has caused my old friends to become strangers.

Sometimes I just want to grab time by its figurative shoulders and SCREAM. Can I hold his hand without you mockingly ticking away? Can't you just freeze for a second and let me linger beside my friends? Can't I spend time with my family without your inevitable noose? But, of course, the answer is no. And if it was yes these memories wouldn't be the fleeting moments I treasure late at night, right before I'm washed away by sleep.

FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS

I know I haven't written in a while but it's been intentional. I have exams and in an attempt to stay focused, I refrained from blogging. I'm going to make a quick exception for one of my favourite things in the world- weddings. 

I'd get married for you.

I love everything about weddings. I love the heartwarming proposals, the extravagant rings, and the jaw-dropping dresses. I even love all the cheesy slideshows of the bride and the groom. The amazing thing about a wedding is that there's so much to celebrate. You're celebrating a love that will last forever, a new chapter in the couple's life and the closest thing this Earth has to magic.Weddings somehow manage to get the uncoordinated to dance, the unwilling to love and the stoic to feel. Though I could easily wait another dozen years to be married, I dream about my wedding day often. Original, I know. 

And for just one day, we all get our very own Cinderella story.

So the reason I bring it up is because my boyfriend is in British Columbia right now for his cousin's wedding. It's the first wedding he's ever been to, and judging from his phone call, it sounds like he's having a really great time (he's clearly had a little too much to drink). I've mentioned this before but I consider my guy to be void of emotions. Not in the sense that he's emotionless- more so because he isn't ordinarily moved by anything.

Today though he felt something. He told me that he almost cried during his cousin's speech. Though he didn't actually shed any tears, he felt something real today and that, to me, was unbelievable. He hasn't shed a tear in so long that I thought his tear ducts may have deteriorated during puberty. But today he was close! And on top of that madness, when he was saying goodbye he kept repeating how he loves me so much and wants the best for me and then - get this- he says: "I hope our wedding turns out like this". My reaction: paralysis*. 

So today my stoic boyfriend let himself feel. He felt a moment of sadness and all kinds of joy. He danced, and he laughed and he had fun. For a fleeting second, he even felt unbounded love. And I am so proud of him.

Maybe it was having all of his family in one place, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, or maybe he's just drunk, but something about that wedding stirred up something significant in him. 

ah, weddings....

*Refer to the post "I WONDER IF MY BOYFRIEND LIKES ME" to understand my reaction (although it's probably self-explanatory).

DRAGGING HER FEET

Moments like this keep us holding on to the ghost of our relationship

Relationships tend to be over before they actually end. I've seen it happy over and over again this year. All these couples dragging out their relationship past their expiration date, even though they lost their happiness a long time ago. I've just been trying to figure out why. I have a friend here who broke up with her boyfriend of three years in September. Not because she wanted to be single for university, but because it took her own space for her to realize that the relationship she was happy in had ended a year ago. Of course there were good times but when she talks about him now it's with an exhausted tone of voice and sad eyes. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of tears and a lot of heartbreak. 

And just last night, my best friend from home calls me and tells me that her boyfriend told her he's not sure whether their relationship is worth it or not. They have spent the last year fighting over really meaningless things, and he just doesn't see the point anymore. Though he was trying to give up, she told him they could work through it. 

I recommend a daily dose of sex and the city for the broken-hearted girl.

So why do people do this to themselves? This is the best I came up with:

There are so many great memories in the beginning of a relationship. The butterflies when you see each other, all the firsts, and falling in love. And by the time the initial magic fades, you have something just as great: you're comfortable, you're in love and you're best friends. You may find that you've almost morphed into one person. And as you grow and change, your relationship will too. 

But sometimes couples grow apart. And distant memories of the people you once were will keep you together. And though the world beyond the comforts of your relationship is a crazy and scary place, it's yours to discover. Though it's going to hurt more than anything ever has, and though there's nothing doctors can do about a broken heart, time will pass, the heart will heal and one day your smile will be real. So if your relationship can be salvaged, by all means pour your heart into it and save it. No regrets. If not, there's something extremely reassuring about being who you want to be, and doing whatever you want to do. Go out with friends, take up a hobby or dye your hair. Whatever you do, find the version of yourself that you lost or gave up on.