Don't Look Behind You- You're Not Going That Way

26/10/2013 A stream of thoughts that ends abruptly

I've been single for about 14 months. I know, I should have lost count by now, but I haven't. At the risk of sounding corny, I have grown up so much in that time. I don't actually mind being corny. Corny means people have said it before, and people will say it again. A lot of the time corny means being passionate about something. It means there are real feelings there, and you're admitting it. That doesn't sound too bad to me. So while I'm at it I may as well admit I'm on one of those self-discovery journeys.

Last year was the greatest, in the strangest sense of the word.
I spent September in a delusional high. I was single for the first time in my life, because single at 15 is a very different world from single at 20, and I was elated. In many ways, I had longed to be single since I first started dating my ex-boyfriend about 5 years ago. My happiness was twisted denial though. I'd wake up some mornings crying, and I had no idea why. Well, I didn't have concrete thoughts- just the general feeling of being down. Of course, I know why now.

THE BIG, COMFY BED

Big comfy beds are dangerous.

Think of a relationship as a big, comfy bed you could figuratively crawl into. You felt safe in the comforts of your security blanket and warm when you rested your head on your pillow. It all felt so right for so long. So what if the blanket begins to strangle you and the pillow begins to feel suffocating? And you wonder when did this bed morph into shackles? 

And what if nothing has actually happened to make you feel that way? The bed is as comfy and loving as it always has been. What if you just want to get out of bed because seeing the world from the comforts of your bed isn't enough anymore? What if you're just not as happy as you should be?

THE "WALK AWAY"

I love that movie where that guy has an epiphany and chases his "ex-girlfriend" as she's on her way to the airport. Oh wait, that's every  generic romantic comedy ever ♥. I just wonder if all these girls really were ready to move on or if they would have come crawling back to the man of their dreams, had he never showed up. 

Should we be walking away in the first place if we expect to be followed?
.

It seems that every love story worth being told has a "walk away" scene. A moment where someone decides to move on, only to be held back at the very last second by the person they didn't know they couldn't live without. It's all very romantic and all but I just want to know if there's any truth to that. 

Are we separated by our own stubbornness?

Is it realistic to expect the person you're walking away from to come after you? In a loving and committed relationship, do we have the right to walk away from our significant other? If they upset us or did us wrong, we should stand up to them and talk about it like adults, right? And if we do walk away, they should let us keep walking because it isn't their responsibility to go fetch us. If we want to make the relationship work, we should never give up on it.

Should we be walking away in the first place if we expect to be followed? 

Or is the right to exercise the "walk away" a given? Should every secure relationship have an I Will Walk After You warranty? In a moment of anger and disappointment, we should be able to walk away from our significant other and expect them to come after us, right? I mean, considering they messed up and this is a rare occurrence, of course. It's not that we expect to be followed at the time we decide to move on. It's only when there are no footsteps behind us that the pain of walking this lonely road sets in.

So in asking you, I think I've answered this question for myself. Every girl deserves a Hollywood-like romance. In the little arguments that keep couples challenging each other, we should stay where we are. We should make our arguments, make mistakes, and apologize. We should laugh, and hug, and let the happiness in the relationship fall back into place as if nothing had happened at all. If we get hurt though, and I mean really unforgivably hurt, we walk away. And only if he comes chasing after us, with some ridiculous display of love, do we stop. Otherwise, we keep walking, keeping in mind that there are people out there waiting for you to become apart of their Hollywood love story. And we don't need them either.

A BLOGGER'S POV

Anyone remember Jenna from the Bachelor (Ben's season)? She was absolutely crazy and completely over dramatic. Well, she was a blogger. And I'm beginning to realize that we may all be slightly crazy.

Slightly crazed eye staring at a world full of discovery.

The world through a blogger's eyes is probably analyzed more than it should be. To write or think about the world the way we do, we must over think everything and anything. It's all looked at twice, thrice, then eighty thousand more times. 

And it's not just bloggers. It's all of us who choose to spend a lonely night with our thoughts. It's the thinkers, the writers, the artists. With eyes searching for discovery and minds searching for the truth, we sometimes (but hardly!) beat a dead horse. 

I'll be the first to admit it. Though it's kind of artistic and fun to examine all that I can, I may have read too much into a few things. I guess learning when to laugh something off and when to ponder over it is its own art.

THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS

Take me there.

Don't you sometimes wish that there existed such a thing? If someone offered me any vacation in the world right now I'd choose the Island of Misfit Toys. I'd say I qualify. I don't quite fit in anywhere and I'm more emotionally damaged than any romantic comedy character could ever be. And believe me, it's not quite as cute in real life. 

I think I'm broken. People keep accusing me of pushing people away, but I could have sworn I got angry because they had already gone. Thinking about it now, they must have still been within arm's reach if I was able to push them further. I guess when someone takes a step away from you, you could hug them and bring them closer, instead of pushing them away. I'd just like to know where the hell they're going in the first place.

But forget all that.

I want to hang out with a red-nosed reindeer, an elf with bigger dreams than making toys, and a lion that can fly. I want to go somewhere where the only way I can fit in is by being so me that I'm somebody else. I want to learn everything about the world, and make stupid jokes, and twirl until my legs can't hold me up.
And the best part of it all is that this island is free of condescending eyes, judgmental whispers and the conforming. 

TIK TIK TIK

time

  [tahym] noun, adjective, verb,timed, tim·ing.

noun Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur from the past through the present to the future

I'm done my first year of university, I guess. I packed up all my stuff from my lifeless residence room and it looks like it did when I first moved in 8 months ago. So much has happened this year yet nothing at all. Looking back on my life, I just want to know where the F**K the time went. 

"Time does not change us. It just unfolds us."

Time enthralls me. It's is the one thing that will always be out of our hands. It's our best friend and our worst enemy. Time heals all wounds. It's wiped away my tears, comforted my soul and helped me put together the fragments of my heart. Time tells all. It puts pieces of a puzzle together and uncovers the truth. Time unfolds us. It's helped me discover who I am and who I will become. Yet time will eventually take my friends and family away from me. Time will blur all my memories and casually erase my life. And perhaps worst of all, time has caused my old friends to become strangers.

Sometimes I just want to grab time by its figurative shoulders and SCREAM. Can I hold his hand without you mockingly ticking away? Can't you just freeze for a second and let me linger beside my friends? Can't I spend time with my family without your inevitable noose? But, of course, the answer is no. And if it was yes these memories wouldn't be the fleeting moments I treasure late at night, right before I'm washed away by sleep.

FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS

I know I haven't written in a while but it's been intentional. I have exams and in an attempt to stay focused, I refrained from blogging. I'm going to make a quick exception for one of my favourite things in the world- weddings. 

I'd get married for you.

I love everything about weddings. I love the heartwarming proposals, the extravagant rings, and the jaw-dropping dresses. I even love all the cheesy slideshows of the bride and the groom. The amazing thing about a wedding is that there's so much to celebrate. You're celebrating a love that will last forever, a new chapter in the couple's life and the closest thing this Earth has to magic.Weddings somehow manage to get the uncoordinated to dance, the unwilling to love and the stoic to feel. Though I could easily wait another dozen years to be married, I dream about my wedding day often. Original, I know. 

And for just one day, we all get our very own Cinderella story.

So the reason I bring it up is because my boyfriend is in British Columbia right now for his cousin's wedding. It's the first wedding he's ever been to, and judging from his phone call, it sounds like he's having a really great time (he's clearly had a little too much to drink). I've mentioned this before but I consider my guy to be void of emotions. Not in the sense that he's emotionless- more so because he isn't ordinarily moved by anything.

Today though he felt something. He told me that he almost cried during his cousin's speech. Though he didn't actually shed any tears, he felt something real today and that, to me, was unbelievable. He hasn't shed a tear in so long that I thought his tear ducts may have deteriorated during puberty. But today he was close! And on top of that madness, when he was saying goodbye he kept repeating how he loves me so much and wants the best for me and then - get this- he says: "I hope our wedding turns out like this". My reaction: paralysis*. 

So today my stoic boyfriend let himself feel. He felt a moment of sadness and all kinds of joy. He danced, and he laughed and he had fun. For a fleeting second, he even felt unbounded love. And I am so proud of him.

Maybe it was having all of his family in one place, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, or maybe he's just drunk, but something about that wedding stirred up something significant in him. 

ah, weddings....

*Refer to the post "I WONDER IF MY BOYFRIEND LIKES ME" to understand my reaction (although it's probably self-explanatory).